#and maybe just cry myself to sleep now :') | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

egregiousderp · 23 days ago

Text

We’re on day six straight of “wake up in the middle of the night/morning hypervigilant and struggle to sleep again” which means we’re reaching the season of Perma Tension and Overthink.

Can’t wait to get through the next two days of work so I can start my week of suspension.

#personal skuun #there was money missing on my station is the upshot #and it’s been a really long time since I’ve made a mistake of that magnitude and yes it DOES happen #but it also looks like it might be coworker’s ADHD setting stuff aside to buy later and forgetting and then we don’t know where or what #I’m like. the third person being suspended for cash loss this month which is also unusual #COULD happen but it could be a lot of things #so I’m just like. trying to keep an eye on her and make sure it’s not a gambling thing #and keeping an eye on my boss who’s letting the chips fall on the off chance it’s him and he’s spreading it around?#I’ve seen both in my time here which makes it impossible to determine without another point on the mental graph #but it’s probably better it happens now #because this is one of two seasonal points where my sleep patterns and mental health run a little thin #and I’m most likely to make those mistakes then #my bills have reduced since the storage unit closure so I just need to kind of. tighten belt and stay home #which I’m good at anyway #although it’s funny because I know half my bosses will be at Pride on Miami Beach this weekend #it’s just two more days of paying close attention and then I can collapse #I’ve stockpiled foods in the pantry to try to make myself keep eating nice things #I have a ton of books and uh. varying. alcohols.#(sorry but sometimes I just want to be sedated and I’m med free running through these seasons.)#I have a beach cleanup event on Tuesday so I won’t be totally isolated/warped with a sense of uselessness/powerlessness #just have to hang on and see if my head clears. same as always.#got to introduce my mom to the flavor of perilla oil today though so that was kind of fun #and I can focus on moving my plants into the room…#maybe paint like I keep saying I’m gonna do and then don’t do #it just feels like my body’s made up of all these uncomfortable lumps #and then on top of it you get dreams that make you wake up crying and unable to get back to sleep for hours? fuck off with that

9 notes · View notes

mars-ipan · 6 months ago

Text

don’t trust your brain after 7pm (winter mode) don’t trust your brain after 7pm (winter mode) don’t trust your brain after 7pm (winter mode)

#marzi speaks #hi i’m fine. no intrusive thoughts or anything like genuinely i’m ok #just thinking a bit too hard about a bit too much at once #i loveeeee anxiety rumination brain. can we GO TO SLEEP #i offered to drive my dad to his pharmacy tomorrow since i’m getting my pneumonia shot there as well #it is a perfectly safe drive and i know the route exactly. but i haven’t been at a traffic light in months #i’m nervous 👍 i’m most nervous about the parking #i’ll feel better once i do it. and now that i offered to i can’t back down unless it becomes a matter of safety #which it won’t because i know i can do it #but if i avoid doing it now it’ll just reinforce the fear. so i have to push myself a little #and i’m overthinking with that and everything else. as per usual i feel like i have no time. which is Freaky Scary !!#hooray for anxiety rumination brain. oh hey i basically already said that. my mind’s running in circles can u tell :3 #i AM okay tho. i’ve had worse anxiety spells. think i just need to get to sleep. and maybe have a cry first we’ll see

13 notes · View notes

sherlock-is-ace · 7 months ago

Text

.

#idk if it's because i've given autism a very in depth look now or if i just always been like this and never really thought about it #but i'm finding it harder and harder to match my feelings to what i guess i'm supposed to feel?#like when something sad happens and i have no reaction to it #it's not that i'm not sad or that i'm glad it's happening but i just have no feelings?#which in turn bring put feelings of guilt because i'm not sad or worried enough...#it's such a weird experience and i'm of course not saying that autistic people have no feelings #that's so not what i'm saying #but it is a trait of autism to have difficulty pinpointing what you feel and also difficulty expressing it in ways other people usually doit #so perhaps it is because i've learned about that that I'm accepting that maybe i just don't feel things ''the normal way''#but i'm having a weird one tonight because my mom had to leave because of an emergency with my grandma #and it's 1am right now #and i am worried. of course i am. I don't want my grandma to suffer (although i have accepted she's not gonna live much longer)#but i still don't want her to die obviously #and most importantly I don't want my mom to have to go through that... to see her mother die? that's horrible #i'm obviously sad and worried #yet i'm sitting here drinking coffee and laughing at funny videos like nothing's happening #and i feel fine... like as if my mom was just sleeping at home like every night and not at a hospital visiting her dying mother...#and i know that years back i would have gone ''what the fuck is wrong with me?!'' and perhaps maybe forced myself to feel worse #or to cry or whatever because I can't be chill when something bad is happening...#and maybe i'll feel that way when my mom is back because I can't be calm and happy is she's sad #that would be rubbing it in her face #so maybe i'll feel more guilty then?#idk it's a weird feeling that i wanted to put into words #mostly for when it happens again i'll have a record of it somewhere #idk #angel talks #personal

8 notes · View notes

einaudis · 9 months ago

Text

.

#I just think it's ironic how I spent so much time thinking about leaving this country. but the moment I said: hey maybe I could make it work #if I find a good job and income maybe I could make it work. because I don't /want/ to leave #because this is my home and I know I won't be able to find myself anywhere. the MOMENT I decided to stay here and fight for my own future #and MAYBE be able to get my own place and just be at peace... THE MOMENT I decided that #things went to hell. and now ALL I think about 24/7 is where am I going to go? what should I do to leave? how much will it cost?#where do I begin?#and I'm lost and I feel like I'm trapped and running out of time because I don't know what's going to happen #and for the first time in a while I'm feeling /desperate/#it's like I'm grieving this country even before leaving it. but also grieving my life here #and the worst thing is that I don't even think I will (leave). I just want to. but I can't (hence the 'trapped' feeling)#I really wish I could go to sleep tonight and wake up in a safe place where I could be happy #my own little place is all I want. I don't even ask for endless fortune or beauty or love or anything #just a way and a place to be #random #personal #my shitty English #ohhhh... to be free to cry. what a dream. instead I have to take deep breaths and keep moving #where to? no idea. but moving it is

7 notes · View notes

medusa-was-innocent · 7 months ago

Text

Wow this sucks

#I’m literally gonna cry wtf #I’ve been trying to get back into writing so I was going through some old journals and reading the poems I wrote back in 2015 #and I left my favorite pages sitting on top of my notebook on my bed and my family’s dog came in while I wasn’t looking and destroyed it all #like they’re completely gone #some of the few pieces of writing from my teenage years that I’m actually proud of and wanted to revisit and it’s completely destroyed #I’ve found 2 scraps and they’ve got about 4 words in total #this was multiple pages full of writing #this is so discouraging I don’t even want to write anything now #like I started taking an online poetry workshop last week trying to push myself out of my comfort zone and maybe possibly move in the #direction of trying to get some of my poems put out there #and I’ve been in a huge writing slump for the last like year #and I was hoping this might get me out of it but now I don’t have any motivation to do it #I just wanna cry #I can’t go back to being a teenager again I can’t rewrite the way I felt back then #and now it’s really gone forever #I’m so sick and im working 3 jobs and I just want to be creative again but I’m tired #and I’m about to get hit by this giant hurricane #I’m really overwhelmed I think this was just the straw that broke the camels back #brb gonna go cry myself to sleep over lost poetry #sorry this is me venting feel free to ignore this #vent post #will probably delete after I’ve gotten more than 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep

5 notes · View notes

tomfrogisblue · 1 year ago

Text

I have finally finished O Segredo Na Floresta.

I have cried more than I thought possible.

And I fear I shall never be the same.

#i have discovered that however bad quarentena was - cellbit has tons more angst material ready to unleash when least expected #it was so so so good but my god - i have never felt more empty #you ever see a piece of media and think yeh this is gonna change the way i view certain things forever - yep.#but now i enter the ordem episodes that arent captioned and only have the youtube autotranslate - the final boss for my portuguese knowledge #cellbit #ordem paranormal #this post is sort of my proof to myself when i actually finished the bastard - this season was three billion years long i swear #and still so long to go #cellbit will continue to stab my emotions for many more hours to come!!!#it is very late at night and i am very sad. TIME TO START THE NEXT ONE :D #o segredo na floresta #enigma do medo #bro i need to yell at someone about the last like hour of the damn thing because i have many things to say. or maybe just cry some more #at least my portuguese is much better now lmao. I'll get to a point where i can just listen to an episode with no subtitles if it kills me!!#hopefully cellbit will be back on the qsmp soon to rip my heart out with a cute lil cubito delivering heart wrenching angst for some variety #qsmp #ok sleep time lmao

28 notes · View notes

deepwoundsandfadedscars · 12 days ago

Text

.

#struggling today #yesterday was hard cause I've been trying to read more books #but i keep getting side tracked and yesterday whenever i picked up the book I'd get through maybe a couple pages #and suddenly my brain would be thinking about the act of reading and then I'd be thinking about my sister and then my eyes would be watering #and then this morning mom texts me to say a family friends partner died in his sleep over the weekend #i never met him but i just can't imagine how heartbreaking that would be to wake up next to your partners body #which then sent my brain once again down the train wreck that is trying to imagine how my BIL felt finding my sister #so i was already on the brink of tears the whole way driving here to work #which i had to take some groceries into my BIL's house and saw my sisters cats #and now i just wish i were home so I could take out some emotions on my punching bag #but instead i get to isolate myself inside my welding helmet and try not to cry today 🥲#kee speaks #been almost 10 weeks without shark week so maybe that's about to make an appearance finally 🥴

3 notes · View notes

that-was-anticlimactic · 1 year ago

Text

one of the worst feelings ever is wanting to write but your hands hurt too much or the words just don’t want to work so you just sit there staring at a half finished doc with tears in your eyes bc you want to write and you need to write but everything is telling you that you can’t

#and that you’re a terrible writer and that no one cares aaaaaaand imposter syndrome kicks in and you just feel like crap #bc all your friends have been wriying recejtky so why can’t you??? cause they’re bETTER THAN YOU #lol idk why my head is so bad today #the feelings of inferiority and emptiness and idk worthlessness are strong and i hate it but i can’t stop it #i just wanna write!!! and like what i write!!!#but i Can’t and i haven’t liked anything i’ve written in Months and ugh i hate not being able to d something i wanna do #oh and now i’m crying??? why the frick am i cRYING litetally why is typing this making me Worse #sorry guys needed to rant #the inadequacy was strong today #something something students keep telling me how much they dislike me or how i’m whiny for asking them to be respectful and like #i Know i shouldn’t compare myself to my friends but gosh it’s hard when they’re all like. so much better than me.#and i don’t have a lot of time to be on tumblr bc of work so i just feel like i’m watching everything from afar and it’s no one’s fault but #my brain’s like no one is Doing anything it’s just my brain being dumb and i can’t stand it and I want to stop feeling empty and like i’m #missing a part of myself and like the words i write don’t matter gOD why can’t i just feel happy with where i am and not care what the kids #who hate me say or realize that no one cares that i’m not on much like i’m still Here and trying to interact it’s not like everyone hates me #for being busy or for liking side characters more than the main characters and just—#sorry #that felt good actually #idk what came over me #imma just. imma shower. then maybe delete my tags #sorry if anyone got this far aT ALL grace is either asleep or trying to sleep so i don’t wanna bother them since they slept poorly last nigh #okay done now for real sorry delete tags later sorry if you saw this and how freaking messed up ky freaking brain is

12 notes · View notes

doveotion · 1 year ago

Text

genuinely didn't think I'd make it to 18 let alone 22 so now I'm looking around like..... Now What

#diary #um. sad rant i guess dont read if you're not in the headspace to take in negativity #i dont know what to do with myself. i feel like crying all the time and I'm always tired no matter how much i sleep and i love my family bu #sometimes i wish i just lived alone and didn't talk to anyone. i hate talking about my problems i hate everything about it #i dont want to be here. but i dont know where to go or how to move forward. i want to live but i dont really have that option #i feel so stuck right now.#i would say more but it would get sad really fast so I'll write it down maybe. or listen to some sad music and cry it out #genuinely thought about running away to like. Switzerland earlier. like i was looking up flights and everything #how fucking sad does someone have to be to contemplate that.

14 notes · View notes

connormoving · 6 months ago

Text

loveee when a character is crushed under the weight of someone elses expectations for them love when a character dedicates their entire life to something they never even wanted for themself love when the only reason a character keeps going is because theyre Supposed to and bc theyre supposed to make another person happy/proud. YES !!! CLAPPING !!! YES !!!!!!!!

#this isnt rly related to any character in particular i just thought abt this and it made me scream.#flirting at a bar Damn girl you look like youre trapped in a life you built to please someone else. and then i kneel down and pull out a 💍#sry i ran out of space for the full word ring. also why when i type 💍 Ohh theyre hiding it. bc now the emoji is 💍 Oh they changed it again #pox on their home..originally it was 🔐 sughested emoji #but then the second time it was 😭.... very anti marriage. well ig maybe the sob could be like OMG... YES!!!!! I WILL MARRY YOU!!!!!!#ngl getting proposed to is such a big fear of mine like. i dont think id ever be able to propose to someone so id have to be proposed to i #suppose but it makes me quite nervous not bc im like ohh nooo dont propose i just rly worry ill react the wrong way and theyll change their #mind. like its a very high emotion moment so ik i would be supposed to be emotional And i would be but idk if id do it in the right way . y #idk. what if my autism looms and i end up just being like 😐 on accident. fuckkk. what if i say somethinf dumb. like i try to be like YES !#but instead im like YEP! god. can you imagine. id have to just bury myself at that point. so embarassing. or like what if i get excited and #flap my hands but it was supposed to be more of a like. joyful crying type of thing... or what if im supposed to just be shocked and like .#Oh my god ....#and am I supposed to run at them and sweep them into a hug or do they do thst to me. UGH. ITS SO STRESSFUL. i suppose ill just remain alone #forever so I never have to confront any difficult situations ever again . Joke .#idk it just makes me nervous. but i suppose hopefully the person proposing to me will love me . that would be nice so hopefully they wont #mind if i dont respond the right way . and they wont be upset with me bc they love me eversomuch. a girl can dream i suppose... my head lik #is pounding sry. i need to sleep probably.. stayed up too late again -_- 8am -_- and im sposed to do laundry today But i dont want to . and #since im gonna fall asleep i fear it shant happen. UGHHH #wtvr. idk what my ideal proposal would be likeee. i don't want to be blindsided ig #i like surprises but Obviously im too worried abt like. my immediate reaction #+ i think its important to talk abt marriage Before proposing just so everybodys like #on the same page and such. Obvs... but ya. i dont think id want a super public proposal like. id like it to be somewhere nice with maybs #significance to our relationship and such. and its fine if theres like Some passersby but id hate for it 2 be like. somewhere crowded. or i #a restaurant or something #Altho if it was in a restaurant maybe we could get free food..#but maybe that can be just fake proposals later on. and our real proposal can be somewhere else. YIPPEEE. me and my imaginary future spouse #who is To be honest rather bare minimum #normal girl will be like Wistful sigh maybe my future spouse will even love me and wont scream at me and will like to listen to me speak 😍#but anywyas. my beddybye time. SURPRISE GN POST #woahhthis got off topic i forgot what the original post was this always happens. i do love characters like that

4 notes · View notes

buckpaws · 8 months ago

Text

when MF DOOM said theres only 1 beer left

#vent/ a little tiny bit #im good and im strong but also #0__________________________________0 #its too real #glad i work mornings every day basically now so i cant be tempted that early lol its a problem #also sorry if this uncomfortable im enjoying my blog as a space to even. express myself maybe #have not had a drinking problem since 2017 until the last 6 months basically #and im having trouble continuing to be (above) strong and good lol #literally i am one not making a caustuit post away from succumbing to the darkness. i love them for reminding me #love is everywhere. love is in all places. strength and patience will find you when you dont expect them #reminds me of 2015 crying myself to sleep from the darkness and the abuse just saying #“at least chef is happy at least chef is happy” over n over #autism special interest isnt just thing i like its thing that makes me feel whole and that i am real #i see myself and myself is real #myself cant handle this but you know who can?#a terrified damaged scientist and the people who love them. who help them beat the odds of the world and their own mind #the reserved and angry scientist who finds his purpose not in the death hes pursued but the only life he would give anything #to preserve and protect and LOVE #these thoughts i can love too..

6 notes · View notes

loverboybrightsideghost · 10 months ago

Text

dw about it

i've gotten to a point where i can't really tell if i'm okay or not. maybe there is no Default state of being, but it's gotten to the point where i can't tell if i'm Actually Okay and the clouds and fuckery of my brain is telling me that i'm not or if I'm Not Okay and i'm just pretending that i am.

#or maybe it's both #one thing is for sure i haven't seen my friends or been able to talk freely for a period of more than four hours for the past #two months.#bluebird.txt #or maybe i just need to fucking sleep #i need to learn how to fucking drive #like fuck this shit at this point #and get a regular job #i won't be able to live alone for Multiple Years but fucking god #getting into the drivers seat immediately makes me cry #but i'll get over it because being trapped in this house and zero transportation all independence #and horrible terrible at asking for things because everything scares me and quite frankly #i do not feel comfortable around my parents far too often even if it's not really their fault #it kinda is but they don't know so i can't blame them bc it's not intentional #i just. i need to be able to leave. even if i come back i need to not be here i need to live with people who i can actually be myself aroun #i am an introvert but i am also a social creature and need those people who i can scream incoherently at #i need. to be a real person. i need to be real me. i need to be free to see those people more regularly than thrice a fucking year.#okay. done now. gonna go eat. fuck.#i don't know. maybe it's the 11pm but this is not sustainable i think #or maybe it's the 11 pm

3 notes · View notes

justablah56 · 2 years ago

Text

damn I miss playing wolves in my friend's back yard .... rb to play wolves with your mutuals in their back yard<3

#just blahs #i dont really think this needs any other tags sbhsjsjs #but i am going to kinda vent in the tags still feel free to rb this tho :]#i miss my friend tbh #she was my best and only real friend for like 3 years and then she moved away and now we only talk 2-3 times a year #and i dont.... know how to change that #i just want my best friend back #but i dont want to seem clingly because what if shes moved on ?#what if shes gone and shes doing just fine where she is now and she doesn't miss me like i miss her #what if shes perfectly content with me just being someone that she talks to a few times a year #meanwhile i have nights that i literally cry myself to sleep because i cant just go see her #she doesnt know that i want so badly to turn 18 just so that i can move to the same state and maybe live near enough that i could see her #and i dont think i can tell her that because what if she doesn't care that much.#what if im being ridiculous and i should be over our friendship that should have ended the moment she moved years ago #that i should have just moved on and it's weird that i haven't #anyways sorry for the vent in the tags of my silly goofy post #mutuals come play wolves with me in my backyard <3

19 notes · View notes

carnage-cathedral · 7 months ago

Text

guess I can write my statement for the cops or whatever. guess I can do that

#🥧.dean #maybe I'll just #I dunno #get drunk and cry myself to sleep #seems like the only move I've got right now

1 note · View note

mymelodyisme · 11 months ago

Text

My sister’s graduation day 😤 let’s go 👏🏽

#gosh it’s gonna be a long day and I’m running on two hours of sleep again #i only get the chance to work at night because I don’t have ✨privacy✨#and I’ve been going to bed late and waking up even more tired than usual and my mom’s been scolding me for it #and now I’ve had to tell her what I’m doing and I feel like I just gave another piece of me away again #everything I am everything I do has to be for other people #im so tired when will I give my last piece away 🥹#this was to make ME proud of ME I was doing it for myself and now I feel like it’s for her #and then she’s going to tell my dad and now it’s for him too #also I can’t even cry about it because she HAS to know why I’m upset #she keeps glancing up at me and talking to me in bits #all I have left is my emotions 🥹#anyhow sorry to start the day off so gloomy and depressing I have literally nothing to be sad about I’m very privileged #sorry you guys see me being a baby constantly 🥺 I really do have a good life and shouldn’t be complaining #here’s to a better day for us all #melifails #now i feel like a jerk subjecting you all to this😭 sorry sorry let’s move on #im gonna be a busy bee hopefully I can squeeze in a time for a nap #😭 I don’t waaaaaannnnnaaa sit for hours in the California heat MAYBE with the sun hitting us in the face #our football field is NOT kind in this way #hopefully my sister gets the shady side but even then the sun will hit us in the face eventually just not as long #im !!! excited!!!! I bought ice cream for today 👏🏽 I originally bought choco chip and minto moose tracks?? my sister loves mint flavor #so I bought mint Oreos too so she can eat them with her ice cream 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽#i assume we’re getting take out of some sort so that; ice cream; and uuuuuuu I don’t remember anything else I bought; my best friend did #bring us snacks yesterday!!! pretzels and cookies!!! so that!!!#okay brain no work no more I gotta get dressed love you muah muah muah

2 notes · View notes